Four common paths
The path chosen has more effect on cost and duration than almost any other decision in a divorce. A kitchen-table agreement, where the parties agree on terms and use counsel to document them, is the least expensive but requires trust and roughly balanced information. Mediation adds a trained neutral who helps structure the conversation. Collaborative divorce gives each party their own attorney committed to settling out of court, often with financial and coaching professionals. Litigation puts the decisions in front of a judge.
These are not permanent categories. Many cases mediate most issues and litigate one, or start adversarially and settle before trial.
- Kitchen table: lowest cost, highest trust requirement
- Mediation: neutral facilitator, parties keep control of terms
- Collaborative: each party represented, team-based, court is off the table
- Litigation: a judge decides what the parties could not
What mediation is and is not
A mediator is neutral. They do not represent either spouse, do not give either party legal advice, and cannot impose an outcome. Their job is to keep a structured conversation moving toward terms both parties can accept, and to ensure the issues that must be resolved actually get addressed rather than avoided.
Mediation works best when both parties have the same financial information and neither is negotiating under pressure. It works less well where there is a large information imbalance, coercion, or a history of abuse. Most mediators will say so directly if the process is not appropriate.
The basic sequence
Details vary by state, but the sequence is recognizable almost everywhere: a petition is filed and served; temporary arrangements for support, parenting and the home may be set; both sides exchange financial disclosure; the parties negotiate, mediate or litigate the issues; and the resulting agreement is submitted for a judgment that makes it enforceable.
Because the final agreement becomes a court order, the way it is written matters as much as what it decides. Deadlines without fallbacks, refinance obligations without qualification analysis, and property terms that no lender or title company can execute are the terms that generate return trips to court.
What to prepare before your first meeting
Attorneys and mediators bill for time, including the time spent assembling documents you could have brought. Arriving with an organized financial picture, a written list of your priorities, and specific questions typically shortens the process and reduces the cost.
- Two to three years of tax returns and current income documentation
- Statements for every account, retirement plan and debt
- Mortgage payoff, property tax and insurance figures for the home
- A written list of your priorities, ranked, and your questions